I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
