I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
