life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
