Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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