can we get nightvision for the apartment?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
