Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
