I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
