Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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