I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
