tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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