Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
