I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
