I can tuck mytits in my pants
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
