I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
