he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
