Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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