I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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