When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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