I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
