It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
