I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We just shotgunned beers for America
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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