My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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