I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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