i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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