i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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