i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
