it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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