she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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