I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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