Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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