I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
