is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
