Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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