i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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