i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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