you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
