well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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