The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm having to shit out rocks
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