Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
