So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
