Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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