the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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