I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
