she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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