I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
