There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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