Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
