My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
