yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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