I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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