My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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