dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
