Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
