apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I touched a dick in church today
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
