I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
