Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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